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2.5

Based on 61 opinions finded in 1 websites

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Nº 2680 in 3097 in Leeds

Nº 375 of 399 Other cuisines in Leeds

CUSTOMERS TALK ABOUT DISHES WITH..baconeggscoffee
Score
OpinionsNoteTripAdvisor612.5

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Had fish and chips gastro pub if I was served this in a pub I would not go again dried up fish and chips stuck together sorry but not up to usual m s standards

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Jeremy H . 2024-08-14

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I ordered the all day vegetarian breakfast - it costs almost £10. The beans were barely heated, the hash browns weren't even lukewarm and the avocado was so hard that it was not eatable and the "chef" had been unable to smash it! Halloumi barely grilled or fried. The waitress was lovely when I explained & did offer to go & see if it could all be replaced, but by then I just chose to leave. It really was one of the poorest b'fasts that I have ever had and I won't be repeating the experience and would advise others to avoid. Just too expensive with poor cooking and truly not worth either the money or time in there.

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LeedsYorksUK . 2024-07-02

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I haven’t used the M&S cafes for a few years . I opted for the all day breakfast and was surprised to see it arrive at my table just after I sat down. I assume it’s all pre cooked but it was only lukewarm. The poached eggs were hard boiled and the beans had gone dry in the microwave. It didn’t taste too bad but I was disappointed overall. I wouldn’t try it again, I’ll stick to tea and cake

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Tim D . 2024-04-29

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Pity that the upstairs cafe is no longer open. The downstairs one is so confusing & badly layed out. The food is dire, pre packed & reheated. I now hear that drinks are no longer served in cups with a saucer, but are in "canteen" style mugs...Ugh!! I no longer use the cafe.

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Bunny . 2024-04-27

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Exceptional afternoon tea for 7. Huge thank you to Millie, Dan (and other lady, apologies, I forgot your name) from the food hall, and Georgia, the cafe manager. 3 generations of family thank you for going above & beyond. I cannot praise these staff members enough. Thank you so so much for your help today, truly appreciated. I hope this review is rightly rewarded xx

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C H . 2024-03-09

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We were visited the NHS mobile unit at Owlcotes twice recently and had a full English breakfast on both occasions. It arrives looking a nice plateful but was not hot by any means. Today it was clap cold and I did mention to a sales assistant. When I got home and looked at the reviews it appears that serving tepid meals has been going on for a number of years. How I wish I had looked at Trip Advisor before we visited for a meal as it isn't cheap eating at M&S. We certainly won't visit again that's for sure.

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Rose L . 2024-01-18

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Not good value. Asked if I wanted to try the new coffee (costs extra) didn't taste any different. Paid £2.00 for a square of millionaire shortbread. Service not so good. Also noticed ladies clearing tables and serving food NO..... and you don't get a nice coffee cup and saucer. McDonalds is only £1.99 and quick service, it maybe be in a cardboard cup but its the value and taste that counts. Sorry m and s.

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irene g . 2023-10-15

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Ordered 2 breakfasts, both not even warm , waste of money, won't go again. Cafe was very busy & was lacking staff which certainly didn't help.

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Marie L . 2023-10-01

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M and S management need to go back to basics. If they can't get enough staff to work in the place then close it - don't take advantage of customers by making them wait over 30 minutes for a microwaved pre packed product long after the coffee cup is empty. This is not a premium service

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sandalian . 2023-09-24

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Ordered 2 breakfasts with coffee for £24.70 😮. You get 2 slim sausages, streaky bacon, poached eggs, rostis, small bowl of beans, 1 mushroom & 1 slice of toast. Not worth the almost £10 more than Morrisons/Asda/Wetherspoons, some of whom also offer drink refills. The cost probably raised our expectations. The cups were small, no saucers & the layout is confusing as to where to stand/pay/get trays etc. No nutritional info or menus online or instore - there's a large board above the till. The food arrived quickly, was ok but only just warm, bacon was undercooked & the rostis were more like croquettes but the eggs were perfectly poached. Staff bring condiments with the food but hold the tray whilst you pick sauces/seasonings from a bowl which was awkward - I assume this is to prevent them being taken 😔. Coffee was lovely, piping hot but very small. The cafe would probably be great for coffee & cake or a sandwich - breakfast just too pricey.

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973jen . 2023-07-22

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£3.49 for a “large” latte? Well - I’d hate to see the “regular” whatever that is. Ok, Costa charge £3.60 for their large latte, but this is huge. In fact it has more than a pint of milk in it, and 3 shots of coffee. So yes, Costa is expensive, but at least you get a fair amount for your money. Now we get a mug of coffee, and no saucer anymore. The coffee is ok, but not at this price. I couldn’t download the loyalty card as there was no reception. I asked if there was a cardboard stamp version to which I was told yes there is, but you have to get it from upstairs??? Where is the sense in that? I’m in the queue for coffee “downstairs” not “upstairs”. Perhaps this is done on purpose so you don’t get your stamp? Mmmm, I wonder. Anyway, that’s M&S permanently off the coffee list from now on. And whilst I’m at it, £2.50 for a shortbread biscuit? £3.50 for a piece of cake? Times are hard M&S, and people are looking for value for money. You’ve failed on all counts. Wish I’d gone to McDonald’s next door. Coffee at least as nice, larger size and cheaper. Bye bye M&S. I won’t be spending in here anymore. It won’t do.

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merlinwizzard100 . 2023-03-11

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Took my mum and son for lunch/brunch today. I ordered sourdough toast with advacado & poached egg. Definitely not sour dough bread, soft white farmhouse stuff and over piled with avo, eggs hard. Mum ordered pancakes, picture had 3 of them piled up, she got one. Why do M & S allow this ? Shame really as it’s a treat for us but last few times have been disappointing. Get your act together M & S please !!

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debk1965 . 2023-02-16

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Visited x2 to meet a friend @9.30 am on different occasions . Thought we’d try something from the new menu . 1st time we tried the ‘sourdough toast . ( have had the ‘normal ‘toast n the past which , initially was good but had gradually gone downhill !). Two TINY slices of sourdough toast was served - rubbish . 2nd time we tried the poached eggs on toast (£5) . Poached eggs (2 x small)were nicely cooked , but came with 1 slice of ‘cheap’ white bread ( NOT SOURDOUGH as advertised & no choice of brown/ granary either) On asking why it wasn’t sourdough’ , I was advised that they were trialling different breads each month & if I wasn’t satisfied to contact head office . As it was still being advertised on the board as ‘sourdough’ & no mention on ordering that it was different I think this could be against trading standards . We appreciate that sourdough is more expensive than ‘normal’ bread & priced accordingly but keeping the same price & serving ‘cheaper’ is daylight robbery . In future we won’t be wasting money on the breakfast menu as it was certainly NOT value for money .

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AlvorPraia . 2023-01-28

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Why on earth does this cafe think its an improvement to ditch saucers and serve drinks in canteen cups

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Dave T . 2022-08-30

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Went shopping and stopped at the restaurant for lunch I had jacket potato with tuna and sweetcorn. The presentation was unappetising. The salad was a handful of rocket leaves. The potato was lukewarm and dry, cold in some places. The tuna was dry and cold, slapped on top of the potato. I sent it away. The waitress was apologetic and brought me another one which was equally bad. I came away with a bad tummy, was sick and had a bad tummy all day. My partner had a sausage sandwich whic was ok. Then had the bacon barm. The bacon was smoked and very salty. The barm was dry, stale and. Slightly overdone. I’ll think twice now about lunching. Please can we have a refund?

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Susanna H . 2022-08-20

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What has happened to M&S cafe ... always a cafe where quality of food was assured but staff quality has let this down. 3 visits in a row have been disappointing, the first visit we ordered a jacket potato which was OK but accompanied by a small amount of old, brown salad. The second visit I ordered a fish finger sandwich which was horrible & so dry. Then last Friday I visited with my daughter & grandson, my daughter asked for a mac & cheese toastie, unfortunately they had run out then I asked for turkey & veg soup, again it had run out then to top it all off I asked for a child's pasta ( even gave the pasta to the guy on the till ) but when the food came almost 30 mins later we got a child's pizza !! I did take this as our 2 year old was getting very hungry. We get the impression at Pudsey that apart from a couple of long term staff trying to hold the place together the rest of the staff seem young, uninterested & untrained. Please look into this M&S, your cafes are not cheap

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judyt792 . 2021-12-05

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Ordered scrambled eggs with bacon and toast. Toast dry and uncooked; bacon OK but the scrambled eggs were like marbles: hard and difficult to chase round the plate. Very disappointing

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191pamb . 2021-06-29

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Ordered scrambled eggs on toast with bacon. The eggs were like rubber and I am not joking. The toast wasn't really toasted and the bacon was more fat. Not a great advertisement for there cafe or there ingredients Very disappointed. Oh they really need to get there ordering sorted.

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conderson . 2021-06-27

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My Mother who is 90 years old has dementia and is in a care home in Pudsey. As most people will be aware all care homes are in lockdown and my family and I have had no contact other than video calls since March, a terrible situation. So my Mother needed some new knickers and as is usual with Mark's and Spencer the sizes are never there. So because of necessity I had to choose knickers with some lace at the top. The care home called to say that the knickers were obviously faulty as the lace was detaching from the knickers. Because some of the knickers were waiting to be washed and the urgent need to get some replacements I decided to take the washed ones back hoping the store would understand the situation and refund my Mother on all the purchase. I explained the situation but was met with a total lack of empathy and the repeated sentence that she would only refund on what had been presented. My receipt clearly showed I had bought two packs and I was clearly not the size of knickers bought. Did I really have to present soiled faulty knickers. How sad for all involved.And £12 is not a lot of money to some but it's my Mothers money and she didn't deserve to lose it. Shame on you.

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T597ORmichelles . 2020-11-16

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Came here today and ordered chicken and it was like a piece of rubber. I couldn’t even bite into it or cut it it was that rubbery...... Returned it and proceeded to get told it’s the “most popular dish” and many are made each day, as though nothing is wrong. Needless to say I demanded a refund. Unprofessional service from the staff. Won’t be returning here again

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evladyhh . 2020-01-12

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Dirty tables, no teaspoons, no saucers, floor knackered, under staffed, de motivated staff and most importantly NO MANAGEMENT PRESENCE. Why bother.

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Whittone . 2020-01-02

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I have to say when we think of M&S we usually have thoughts of luxury, elegance, quality and excellence. However, today's visit was definitely disappointing and lack lustre. A very nice cup of coffee but the aambiance just wasn't there, pleasant staff but no greeting of jolliness. Did I feel special? No! While drinking sed coffee did I want the bins emptied infront of me? Did I want the spray of disinfectent near me? Not really! Looking around the upstairs cafe...I see a trolly of rubbish...grubby decor and overall a poor, tired place to be. Definitely not the standard we expect!

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CoffeeExp . 2019-10-22

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I didnt enjoy my cappucino - it was weak and the really not worth it. I have had far better cuppas elsewhere.

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DaylaB2013 . 2019-08-30

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Visited here on a busy Saturday afternoon. Cant really fault the food but the cafe was overrun with dirty tables piled with crockery ready to be cleared and washed. Lots of food on the floor. Really disappointed and not what i expect from M&S.

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Amy W . 2019-08-08

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M y S parecen tener la costumbre de poner sus cafés en los rincones oscuros y lúgubres de sus tiendas y este en la zona de muebles del sótano es un lugar así. Es autoservicio. Una cosa que no entiendo muy bien es la práctica que tienen de esperar que el cliente elija un sándwich tostado preenvasado del enfriador y lo lleve al punto de pago en el que puede esperar que lo quiten para que la cocina lo caliente. arriba pero no lo pusieron en una caja y la cocina se calienta una que ya tienen. Esto es realmente extraño y, ¿cómo es una buena higiene de los alimentos sacarlo de un gabinete refrigerado y luego ponerlo en una caja caliente y presumiblemente volver a colocarlo en la enfriadora o nunca se come? El mejor consejo para mejorar la eficiencia y ahorrar las facturas de electricidad en los enfriadores de alimentos solo tiene una tabla con los productos detrás del mostrador de pagos. Este lugar sobrevive porque aparte de un vertedero aún más grave al lado de Asda, tiene un monopolio, ya que no hay nada más por millas.

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sandalian . 2019-01-13

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If we're out & about & fancy a coffee & a snack we will often head to M & S. Coffee is usually good & the cakes & sandwiches are good quality. The level of cleanliness has deteriorated a lot over last few years. Every time we go to any of their cafes we have to search round for a clean table & move piles of pots. All that's needed is a young person doing nothing but clearing & cleaning.

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Cath26 . 2018-08-19

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Served differently pot of tea, milk then cup not the usually M and S way of serving with a cup, saucer and two small biscuits. I had to use one of the plates where you pick up trays. Went to ask the person who served me directly had a biscuit put into my hand.Even though busy courtesy to serve customers appropriately.

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Eeiness M . 2017-11-06

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Called in here on Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday, around 2.00pm in the afternoon so very busy, the downstairs restaurant was packed and no tables free so we used the smaller cafe upstairs. How come a big company like this can't employ more staff?Every single table that was free was piled high with cups and plates because no one was available to clear them. We even saw an elderly couple clear a table themselves and actually find some cleaning materials to clean the table so they could actually have a cup of coffee!!!!!The tables are packed so close together that as people walk past, you get an elbow in the back of your head. Really not acceptable by any standard.Had to return early Sunday Morning to take an item back. We decided to try the larger restaurant downstairs. Again, one member of staff clearing tables. People should not be walking around looking for a table that has been cleaned. What a let down.

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AlunHarrison . 2017-10-08

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Nice cafe with clever NFC table based system to get your food. High tech. Veggie choices on food limited and very much more limited for folk with Gluten Free or Dietary restrictions. The Coffee is superb, just had a toasted sandwich which was nice, though a little pricey for the location though that is to be expected with M&S as more costly than the average Food supermarket.

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RAW1966 . 2017-08-19

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I am a loyal customer of M&S; and have had loved every moment of it, but now I have developed a dairy allergy I now can pick out cafes that cater for me and M&S; aren't one of them!!

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185tracyf . 2017-08-08

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Plenty of choice, resteraunt and cafe, nice places to meet, food hall, not too busy . Use travel services regularly for currency with enhanced rate for cardholders.

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yorky10054 . 2017-07-19

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Sí, el precio ha subido. Solía ser 10 libras hace un par de años y ahora es de £15. Sin embargo, la comida es excelente y el servicio es fantástico. Recomendaría este café (estábamos en la planta baja) a cualquiera. También si están acercándose a la edad madura es un gran lugar para ir, ya que te hace sentir joven de nuevo. (La mayoría de los visitantes parecen ser de la variedad senior) jaja

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KiteSurferMan . 2017-05-23

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Mi marido y yo tuvimos un almuerzo con un amigo que tiene problemas de movilidad. La zona de la cafetería es fácil negociar (por desgracia no en ambiente) pero la personal está dispuesto y alegre. Tuve el huevo y berros hierbas sandwiches, mi marido tenía el tocino y queso pollo sandwichera y nuestro amigo tenía una patata chaqueta con chile y ensalada. Todos los artículos fueron reportados como muy buena y la única pequeña decepción fue el café descafeinado, que era débil y aguada. Seguiremos a utilizar el café y seguiré a beber el café descafeinado, pero la próxima vez voy a pedir que me dan una cerveza más fuerte! !

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Tabbycat313 . 2017-04-27

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Buena comida en M&S; café, pero es caro comparado con otros cafés y la comida es buena pero no excepcional, pero, oye, M&S;! ! ! ! Disfruté de mi capuchino, tenía un queso de cabra y cebolla roja sandwichera pero no mucho queso de cabra, cebolla todo! ! ! £4. 50 así que no vale la pena el precio, mi esposo tenía una salchicha sandwichera; mejor relación calidad-precio. Sin embargo pasteles eran preciosas, mi llovizna limón era tan dulce y humedo, delicioso. Aun así, volver de nuevo en el futuro a pesar de los precios, ya que es un lujo y la selección de pasteles es muy buena, junto con el café.

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SueWestYorkshire_10 . 2017-04-14

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Situated downstairs in a major (Owlcotes) shopping complex. Coffee is good, good range of Cakes and snacks. Can be very busy at times.

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AlanC2928 . 2017-04-11

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This is a great M & S, it's so big. The food hall is good, also the cafe was clean and staff were friendly. Just down side the toasties weren't hot hot, but oh well. The cakes are nice though ha

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sks_1992 . 2017-02-27

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a clean and well run café which most of the time seems busy the drinks and cakes are ok the only down side is many times the choice of food is very limited and for some reason the out of stock items are not replaced until the next day

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frances292 . 2017-02-03

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Called in for a coffee & wrap. Coffee VERY weak. Shalln't be having it again (will ask if there's options of blends next time.) Wrap ok.

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cornwall0 . 2017-01-15

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Popped in for a cuppa after battling through the food shop. Good coffee, plenty of space despite how busy shop was & nice little Xmas tree shortbread with your coffee

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Businesstravels1114 . 2016-12-24

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I was somewhat disappointed to discover that for the second visit in a row it was not possible for me to have a gingerbread latte. It seems that the cafe had run out of gingerbread syrup. I understand that stores can run out of things, but this is on the list of special seasonal drinks. It should be there. If they can't provide it the cafe should make this clear as one looks at the menu. This is not up to the M & S standard. If you want to keep our custom please soft this sort of thing outStaff were very polite, and seemed quite embarrassed. It isn't good to do this to staff or customers.

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revdjohnbutler . 2016-12-24

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Whenever you buy food at M & S the quality is superb. If food is purchased food to take home or you're eating in their small restaurant at Pudsey you will never be disappointed. The food etc is most enjoyable good, staff are friendly as is always the same, at whichever store and though not fine dining you leave with pleasant memories.S Ls27

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ShaunKLeeds . 2016-10-19

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nice café for coffee and a catch up with friends but its a very busy place very popular with people shopping in m&s and asda

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catherine l . 2016-10-19

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By which I mean the commitment to providing a service in the first place not the staff who appear often to be overworked and under resourced. Why when the store is open until 8pm is the cafe with natural light next to the exit closed at 6pm ? Having spent a great deal of money buying clothes I as a customer would like a cup of coffee before I leave without having to trundle a quarter of a mile extra downstairs through the furniture store in the basement when I am only yards from my car and could be sat outside in the new patio in the sun. This is about quality of service and management need to sort this out. Other than that i have always found the coffee and cakes fairly good if a little pricey but and this M&S can probably do little about their cafes are often far too busy so service can be slow getting a seat difficult and the overall ambience not that good.

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sandalian . 2016-09-17

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This is a very large M & S, we were lucky to go on a 20% off day. Well laid out store so easy to find what you want. There is s good homewares dept downstairs and a cafe. We spent a long time buying lots of goodies to take home to Australia also pix of what i am going to order online, due to my baggage allowance, great store.

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Dinamum . 2016-09-15

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Everyone's working hard to advise and the store was very busy owing to the sale that was in progress.

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freebird298 . 2016-08-30

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I have been in a lot of M&S cafe's cannot fault them the basil and tomato soup always taste the same no matter which M&S cafe you visit

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Jimbo1Stockport . 2016-06-17

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We arrived at approx 4.15 on a Saturday during the Easter holidays with three grandchildren, having promised a drink and a cake treat. The only cakes on offer were a heavy fruity one and some over-large and very boring looking scones. All the other plates and dishes were empty. When I finally managed to find an assistant and ask whether more cakes were coming our, he went off and came back in a few minutes with, guess what, some more scones, saying that he had to get back on the till and they were very busy today. Another lady then asked a different assistant for more cakes and he said he didn't know if there were any left and would have a look. The children settled for the one biscuit left on a plate and shared a scone. At the till I asked for the Manager. A lady came out and insisted that they were very busy. I told her that a Saturday afternoon in the Easter holidays was bound to be busy and I was very unhappy with the lack of planning. As we spoke, more cakes miraculously appeared. As our grandchildren were already seated and eating their disappointing food, the Manageress did say that they could come back and choose again at no extra cost, but that in my mind didn't make up for the approximately 15 minutes it had taken to sort things out.

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janatYorkshire . 2016-04-17

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Nice clean cafe, coffee very nice and fresh looking cakes etc great stop for inbetween shopping and having a snack. Recently upgraded bright, airy and clean! Nice!

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Mo L . 2016-03-06

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We go to M&S downstairs café nearly every week, but just have coffee as the food is an extortionate price and you get about 2 spoonfuls. They really need to get some more staff as the floors and tables are ALWAYS dirty and every week we have to ask someone to clean before we sit down!!! The staff are mainly great, but last week the girl serving us was chewing gum - open mouthed chewing whilst you are talking to customers and taking their money is NOT attractive. I think we might give it a miss this week!!!!

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Miowser . 2016-02-10

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I visit this cafe quite often but only recently sampled their tea for two , wow what a delight easily would satisfy 3 people the scones were excellent and the variety of sandwiches was brill also a few extra mini cakes as well what a bargain,

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sheila p . 2016-01-30

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Popped in for a coffee and scone. The lovely ladies behind the counter were rushed off their feet but still managed a smile and were able to make each customer feel valued. The only thing I would say is the queue was rather long. Large cappuccino & scone were excellent.

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veraWestYorkshire . 2016-01-15

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I meet my friends about once a month here as you can be sure that the coffee will be as you like it and the toasties are lovely although some are heading towards the expensive side. It was refurbished recently and has plenty of comfy seating. The staff are always pleasant and the tables are cleared quickly. Enjoyable each time.

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Gina P . 2016-01-14

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Good parking facilities and a lovely spacious store to walk around and then to call into the restaurant for a welcome cup of tea or coffee. Ideal for just a drink , snack or lunch served by smart pleasant staff..Very enjoyable.

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Goron58 . 2015-12-23

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Although food is good and cake even better it takes an age to queue to be served and pay, then you have to find a table.

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Patricia J . 2015-10-16

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This cafe is always full but worth a short wait as their jacket potatoes are always very good- crispy and just the right amount of filling. They always provide proper butter portions too, not margarine/spread. Prices OK, especially for M & S.

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ELAINE B . 2015-09-05

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shopping and food to buy and eat in one place great - very good choice from as little as you want to pay and good choice for kids

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330Gail58 . 2015-09-01

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My daughter called in for a quick lunch before a hospital appointment, the layout is so confusing and we had to stand with a heavy tray in the middle of a very chaotic queue for just two tills. The staff looked harassed and hot. We queued for ten minutes as there was a problem with the customer before us as they hadn't ordered all her food. When it was finally our turn we waited another ten minutes whilst the poor assistant tried to get the till to recognise our food order. The queue behind us, quite rightly, were all becoming fractious and one male was shouting at the staff to hurry up. In the end he left his food and walked out, as did a few other people. The food, when it arrived, was lovely but the stress of waiting around with a heavy tray was just too much. I have had heart surgery and cannot hold something that heavy for so long. The management need to address the layout very quickly as elderly and disabled people wouldn't be able to cope in the utter madness of the layout. What should have been a pleasant lunch turned extremely stressful and hurried. We won't be returning sadly. The food isn't cheap and the service is appalling for a company who pride themselves on good customer service.

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jebediah44 . 2015-08-20

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Thought we would give it another chance after peering inside whilst walking through the store and being surprised at how well organised it looked after my last visit almost 10 months ago. So, so much better! Ok there was a queue to be allocated a table (major improvement)Ordered food , without queuing ( another improvement) and sat down at a very clean table( another improvement) . Everything came to our table together , so we ate and drank together( improvement) and staff were well mannered and smiley( major improvement) Will definitely go again , well done M and S for sorting it out ! Happy customer

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Alanjanice . 2015-06-13

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We had lunch in the downstairs restaurant whilst shopping and although it was full they had a member of staff just making sure you were seated as quick as possible. The food was good and the service was very quick to say how full it was.

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Martin H . 2014-12-17

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Terrible system in place! Had to wait ages to queue for food, then had to wait for a mucky table to be cleared, then had to wait , wait and wait even longer for two cold drinks to arrive . Other members in our group had finished their food and hot drinks ! We asked a rushed of her feet assistant where our drinks were ? To be told they will be in a queue in the kitchen , they have to make food too! ( our drinks were actually still sitting next to the till ) After waiting yet again my friend went up to the till and asked for the drinks to be taken to the kitchen ! I would advice anyone never to go to this place! Come on Marks and Spencer get your act together this is appalling service . Then we went to the toilets which had a very unpleasant aroma , couldn't wait to get out ! Disappointed Mrs Rosenberg and three friends

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Alanjanice . 2014-08-12

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Altered over the past months, and seems bigger. Bright and modern, and a nice retreat from shopping. Good selection of snacks, cakes etc, and good coffee.

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Fueng2768 . 2014-02-22

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Arriving at 7pm, the helpful supervisor ushered me towards the cooked meat aisle with an intoxicating mixture of faded glamour and suppressed lust. The menu was longer than the full version of the Uruguayan national anthem and my dilemmas were hindered by the searing pain of stomach cramps.Having lustfully indulged on Frances Atkins’ shoulder of mutton seven days previously, my bowels were ruling my brain once again. Desperate to extract every last stool of pleasure after the weekend’s meal, this mound of mutton was being held against it’s will within my caged abdomen.Hunched up like a crack addict, I flicked through the selection of honey-glazed gammon steaks, deliberating over whether the fresher looking, shorter-dated joint should be ignored in favour of a tired limp specimen that still had three weeks to run.Anger boiled in my brain, as the mutton poked its way out into the brave new world like a periscopic appendage. I couldn’t get parked in the M&S car park and it angered me like sneezing down a freshly purchased silk tie on its first outing. There was a menopause convention being held in the girdle section on level one and I was forced to leave the car in the Asda and traipse through the undergrowth like a weirdo at a bus station. Not for the first time my suit trousers were wetter than Matt Baker.Choosing both packs of gammon I shuffled off towards the counter to purchase some Percy Pigs, a Swarovski enrcusted négligée for the wife and some breaded chicken kiev’s.I love M&S Kievs. I love the way when I bite down on their poultry succulence, the fresh garlic and parsley jus drips down my chin suggestively and the flavour was anything but meek. If Bernard Matthews did Kraft Flake adverts…!The gammon was stunning and evoked memories of childhoods past. That these were someone else’s childhood memories was concerning and beguiling in equal measures. However, the kiev’s that followed induced meat sweats and the perspiration was difficult to explain to my loved one. Washed down with a bottle of Semillon, a crescent of Percy Pigs and trussed up in the Swarovski encrusted négligée, I declared the meal a success and sloped downstairs to the homeware section for a well-earned rest.

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Thuram T . 2013-11-29

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